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Dear Fifteen-Year-Old Self: My Open Love Letter To Myself

Sunday, June 24, 2018Ava Bella

October 2017 was the last time I posted here on the blog. It's safe to say that my life has resembled the twilight zone since shortly after that. All the things I was sure about became so muddy and inconsistent that I felt like I was losing my grasp on everything. 

It has taken me until now to come back to writing. Actually, creating period. I have battled with so much in the last 8 months it would be hard to sum it up in one paragraph or even a post. I completely stopped everything I was doing and decided to take some time to heal from this decade of trauma that I have been living.

Sometimes the people closest to you make you the happiest and hurt you the most. Sometimes that's enough to make you want to disappear. In most cases, people abusers don't choose the weak as their victim. They find it a challenge to "break" the strong. If you can identify with this, don't let your willingness to love and give of your love selflessly be tainted or altered by the way others have mishandled that love. Don't let that pain take you under. As I'm writing this I feel it. It may actually be a while before I don't feel the pain. 

Don't let the lies they tell about you, or to you, take you under. Don't let the embarrassment of what you should have seen earlier make you feel like you're not smart because you should have seen it coming.  Disconnect from anything that you have come to understand does not serve you or never did.

Don't let their darkness dim your light.

Let's get to this letter... 


----------------X------------------

Hello Beautiful,

I am fully aware that you don't feel that way right now, but guess what; you are!

There are so many things I want to tell you. Things that I wish you could know right this moment. Things that will carry you for the rest of your life! Something terrible happened to you and it's not your fault. There will be a lot of reasons that you will never share this horrible act occurred with anyone, but that's ok, I am dealing with it now. It's ever too late. Again, It's not your fault.

There are things that you will need to learn and actually put into action. Things that your parents did not even know they should tell you, but that your present-day self is fully aware of now. Maybe they didn't know these things themselves. Don't blame them for what they didn't know. Someday, you'll be a parent and, well, you will NOT have all the answers either!

Now here are some things I really want you to know...

For starters; Damn, girl! You are so smart! Your common sense is going to take you so far.

No. For real! There's not a whole lot of that in your adult years so, believe me, IT IS VALUABLE!

I know that you believed you would be a lawyer for a long time, but you actually are a truly gifted singer and songwriter. You'll figure that out really soon, though. Aside from that, you hold numerous business credentials and licenses that you've utilized to serve so many in your community and beyond. You have proved over and over again that you are a dynamic, complex, creative, brilliant mind who, as you like to put it, is an IndieBoss. There have been so many times you had the choice to quit or pivot and you chose the latter and created something amazing while recreating yourself every time!

On the Dillard University Campus in New Orleans, LA


You have accomplished so much, so young! You've been on national sold-out tours, you've released a studio project that took you places you've always dreamed of going! Your wardrobe was amazing, too, by the way! There have been articles written about you and your award-winning music, and you actually write and produce a lot of it yourself. You just got your first music sponsor and you, yes you, just won an award for Best Jazz Song of 2018. You even have a song in a movie!

I know you want me to get to all the good parts, right?

I'm sure you have the typical look-into-the future questions...so yes, you have 2 amazing and handsome sons that are 15 months apart. You are completely in love with them and it's because they are completely amazing. You did fall in love with their father, but you guys didn't make it. He wound up hurting you. Really bad. You'll learn this, but, sometimes the people closest to you make you the happiest and hurt you the most. You survive this heartbreak and another one after that. The boys are just fine. More than fine, they are resilient and you are an amazing mother!

Your youngest, Myles, was just was inducted into Junior National Honor Society. He wants to play in the NFL, but he's also a dope basketball player. When he retires, he wants to open a restaurant in Paris. He's an awesome cook, just like you! People say he is your twin. He's a bit of a mannish smart-ass; just like you!

Your oldest definitely has your creative genius. He makes good grades, too, but he's had some challenges over the years because he has Autism. He's high functioning, though, and he is still just as perfect as the day you first saw his eyes. By the way, you have a dream about him when your pregnant and you see his eyes in the dream. I know it sounds creepy, but you knew your baby when you first saw him because of this! Kendall loves to draw, produce music, and writes the most poetic raps you've ever heard. You gotta future Tupac on your hands, girl! He is brilliant! They both are! That's the hardest part about the divorce. You feel like your ex-husband is oblivious most of the time and a complete ass the other part of the time. You forgive him and you keep moving. Not for him, but for you. He isn't the best dad (hell sometimes, he just isn't a decent human being), and I can't really say for sure if that will ever change. Get ready for the whirlwind, you're about to meet him in about 2 more years...

I have to apologize to you beautiful, for staying in that physically and emotionally painful situation longer than I should have. I know that your biggest fear is being a single mother, but, you are. You are right now and you are a fucking beast at it! The boys absolutely love you and that never changes.

Time has flown by; your oldest turns 13 in a few days!

I have to apologize again because your next relationship isn't much better. While he doesn't physically abuse you on a regular basis, he definitely was a master at gaslighting, lying to you, and manipulation.

You go through a really tough period of allowing him and other people to misuse you, your gifts, and your talents, but you finally, quietly break free of it.

Let me pause for a second...despite all the things you've survived, the weight of the abuse that you carry around with you, the secrets that you keep, and all of that pain; you are amazing! You are talented, too! Not only are you beautiful on the outside, but you are completely beautiful on the inside, but you have to guard your light, your energy, and the vessel that you are.

EVERYBODY DOES NOT DESERVE YOUR TIME, ENERGY, TALENT, SPACE.

There are going to be a ton of things that happen and a lot of bullshit over the years to come that will try to make you believe otherwise, but I promise you this is the cheat code: guard your energy and your heart.

There.

I gave you the major key to unlock all the doors you will walk through the rest of your life. If you remember it and to put yourself first; YOU. WILL. WIN.

Here is your DAILY to-list (it takes you a while, but you finally are consistent with these):
  1. LOVE YOURSELF
  2. FORGIVE YOURSELF
  3. LOVE YOUR BOYS; ALWAYS PUT THEM FIRST
  4. Pray with the boys and by yourself
  5. Thank the Most High for what you have already and what you want like you already have it
  6. Cleanse; yourself and your house weekly - sage is your friend
  7. Connect with people who inspire you
  8. Inspire others
  9. Do one thing that you that scares the shit out of you
  10. SING (and write) UNTIL YOU CAN'T ANYMORE

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